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Dear Prudence, My wife and I have been happily married for more than a decade. I enjoy sex with my intoxicated wife, but I don’t love that she needs to be several sheets to the wind to get in between the sheets.We saw a therapist together for a couple of years; my wife wasn’t interested in sex, and I was. Then, a column of yours from a year or so ago got us even further ahead: You advised a woman to schedule a weekly sex date with her husband and hoped both of them came to look forward to it. She’s consistent in saying it’s not about me, it’s her own stuff. But to get frisky she likes two or three glasses of wine because, she says, it shuts up her self-consciousness and resistance and the other things that get in the way. My sober wife doesn’t want to be touched and just wants the deed done as quickly as possible.Maybe more sex therapy could help, but who has time for appointments with three young kids and jobs? Dear Glass, Those are some loaded questions: Is it a problem that your wife has to get intoxicated to enjoy sex with you, or should you be delighted she’s willing to get intoxicated to have sex with you?From your account, your wife was never that interested in sex, and so you are one of those couples who decided to pair up despite your mismatched libidos.I do wonder about people who think love will overcome this problem, because surely everyone knows marriage and kids rarely heat up things.
Is it more that she lies there thinking: “I’ve got to make appointments for the kids’ vaccinations tomorrow. Olivia has a recital Thursday afternoon, so I have to arrange to leave work early …”?
That is, her domestic life has subsumed her erotic life, and instead of sex being a release, it just feels like another obligation.
Or is she saying to herself, “I hate when he touches my nipples. I hate when he wants me to stroke his …” This inquiry into your wife’s feelings needs to be sensitive, even oblique.
So I suggest you start by reading See if these books offer insights or case histories that speak to your situation.
If you find these, you can ask your wife to look at some passages.Or you can just act on what you’ve read, taking a page from other semi-moribund couples who have been jolted into bed.Since you applied my suggestion about scheduling sex, I’m going to make another one that I can’t even believe I’m advocating.Consider taking a trip together to Colorado or Washington state.